Post by melinda on Jul 19, 2013 9:33:12 GMT -6
I wrote this one shot about a week ago, I hope you guys like it.
Well?"
"Well what?" Jerry asked as he took a sip of his water.
"Haven't you noticed anything...anything out of the unusual?"
"Nope. Not really."
"What's wrong with you?" Elaine demanded as she gathered her things from the booth at Monk's they were sitting at.
"What? What'd I do now?"
"If you don't know I'm not telling you!" With that, Elaine left in a huff, leaving Jerry alone and confused.
A few minutes later, Kramer and George walked in, joining their friend at the booth.
After Kramer and George ordered their coffees, Kramer looked around and started grabbing at his pants pockets.
"What?" George demanded.
"My wallet. I must have left it at home."
"Typical."
"What?"
"Nothing."
Now it was Jerry's turn to wonder what George's problem was. "what'd he do? You know Kramer never carries around in his money. That's kind of his thing. Not everyone lives at home with their parents and has a constant reminder to bring with them everything they need for the day."
"Ouch. That hurt. I may need medical attention. I think I'm having an anxiety attack. Tell me, are my palms sweaty?" George held out his hands for his friends to examine.
Jerry turned away. "Stop that."
"What?"
"You don't know? For one thing, your palms are not sweaty. For the other, if they were sweaty, has it occurred to you that some of us are eating and might not want to witness such displays at the table?" Jerry asked as he made a face.
"You're not eating."
"I beg your pardon?"
"You're not eating. You're drinking water. So what's the difference if I show you my sweaty palms or not?"
"They're not sweaty!" Jerry yelled, causing everyone to look at him. He turned back to his friends. "Anyways, I don't need you mad at me. I think Elaine's pretty mad at me now. She just left before you guys got here?"
"What did you do this time?" Kramer asked.
"What makes you think I did something?"
"Jerry, Jerry, Jerry," George started.
"Something tells me this ought to be good."
"You know we're your friends, I'm your friend, but sometimes you gotta hear the truth. I think if Elaine's mad, then chances are, you probably did something to offend her."
"I concur," Kramer chimed in, causing Jerry and George to stare at him for a second.
"Who says I did anything? You know Elaine is, how moody she can be sometimes. Hey, Kramer, where are you going?"
"Off to the publishers. I think Toby's really serious about getting my book published. You know, the coffee table book about coffee tables. We're even talking about adding little pop-up leg stands."
"Okay. See ya."
"Do you want me to say something to Elaine? Find out why she's got a beef with you?"
"No, no no! The last thing I need is for friendship interference. Please, Kramer, when you see Elaine, please don't mention this."
"Thank you," Jerry sighed.
"Don't mention it."
"That's what I just said."
00000
"So I hear you're ,mad at Jerry?"
"Who told you that? Did Jerry tell you?" Elaine demanded.
Kramer looked around. "He might have said something."
"What else did he tell you?"
"I don't know," Kramer started to panic. "I don't know! I'm just hear for the coffee table book! That's all, I tell ya!"
"Just go see Toby." Elaine sighed as she went back to work.
"But what about Jerry?"
"You want to know what Jerry did? I'll tell you what Jerry did. I got my hair fixed today but did he notice? No. He noticed how the eggs from his omelet were off to the left, but did he notice a simple thing like, say, my new hairstyle? He couldn't be bothered!"
"You want me to say something to him?"
"No. Whatever you do don't mention this to Jerry. If he doesn't know what he did then I'm not going to tell him!"
00000
"So she's mad because I didn't notice her hairstyle?"
"That's what she said."
"Oh my God, how could this have happened? I know that Elaine has a big date tonight so she probably just wanted to look her best. How could I have forgotten? How am I supposed to know when she changes her hair. She changes her hair probably as often as I change my apartment around...which is not nearly enough, according to my mother," Jerry sighed.
"Your mother thinks Elaine should change her hairstyle?"
"No. The apartment, the apartment! What did you come over for anyways?"
"Ketchup."
"What do you need ketchup for?"
"Eggs."
"Eggs? We just had eggs this morning," Jerry exclaimed as he handed Kramer the condiment.
"But you haven't had Linda's eggs. They're the best in town, I tell ya!"
"Here you go. See you later."
00000
A few hours later, Jerry got off the phone with his mother, who had spent the last twenty minutes lecturing him on how he needed to change his apartment around. Finally, exhausted, Jerry was ready for bed when the buzzer for his apartment went off.
"Who is it?"
"It's me."
Jerry would recognize that voice anywhere. It was Elaine, probably coming back from her date. "Come on up."
So for the next half hour, Elaine proceeded to tell Jerry about how bad her date was.
"Look on the bright side," Jerry smiled.
"There's a bright side to being with a date who doesn't know his fork from his sthingy?"
"Well, your hair looks nice!"
She patted the back of her hair. "It does, doesn't it?"
"Spectacular. I've never seen it look better. So healthy and shiny, and you smell so clean. I gotta tell ya, there's nothing that turns me on more than a clean date."
"So there's nothing wrong with me for dumping Tom?"
"Not a thing."
"Thanks, Jerry. I guess it's getting late. I suppose I better leave now."
"You're welcome. Monk's tomorrow at noon?"
"You got it!"
0000
So as Jerry went about his comedy routine at the club, it occurred to him that what had happened between him was a common battle of the sexes.
"Why is it, as a guy, we're supposed to notice every little change a woman makes to her appearance? It's like, she could do nothing, but if we ask her if she did something different, she becomes offended. But when she does do something, and we don't notice, we get our heads chewed off. I tell ya, the only woman in the world who notices every little change a man makes to his appearance is his mother. So I called my mom the other day, and she was like 'Jerry, did you get a haircut? My mom lives in Florida, and she knew about my haircut! It's like some super natural power that only mothers possess."
With that, Jerry called it a day, and went back to the routine of his life.
The end
Well?"
"Well what?" Jerry asked as he took a sip of his water.
"Haven't you noticed anything...anything out of the unusual?"
"Nope. Not really."
"What's wrong with you?" Elaine demanded as she gathered her things from the booth at Monk's they were sitting at.
"What? What'd I do now?"
"If you don't know I'm not telling you!" With that, Elaine left in a huff, leaving Jerry alone and confused.
A few minutes later, Kramer and George walked in, joining their friend at the booth.
After Kramer and George ordered their coffees, Kramer looked around and started grabbing at his pants pockets.
"What?" George demanded.
"My wallet. I must have left it at home."
"Typical."
"What?"
"Nothing."
Now it was Jerry's turn to wonder what George's problem was. "what'd he do? You know Kramer never carries around in his money. That's kind of his thing. Not everyone lives at home with their parents and has a constant reminder to bring with them everything they need for the day."
"Ouch. That hurt. I may need medical attention. I think I'm having an anxiety attack. Tell me, are my palms sweaty?" George held out his hands for his friends to examine.
Jerry turned away. "Stop that."
"What?"
"You don't know? For one thing, your palms are not sweaty. For the other, if they were sweaty, has it occurred to you that some of us are eating and might not want to witness such displays at the table?" Jerry asked as he made a face.
"You're not eating."
"I beg your pardon?"
"You're not eating. You're drinking water. So what's the difference if I show you my sweaty palms or not?"
"They're not sweaty!" Jerry yelled, causing everyone to look at him. He turned back to his friends. "Anyways, I don't need you mad at me. I think Elaine's pretty mad at me now. She just left before you guys got here?"
"What did you do this time?" Kramer asked.
"What makes you think I did something?"
"Jerry, Jerry, Jerry," George started.
"Something tells me this ought to be good."
"You know we're your friends, I'm your friend, but sometimes you gotta hear the truth. I think if Elaine's mad, then chances are, you probably did something to offend her."
"I concur," Kramer chimed in, causing Jerry and George to stare at him for a second.
"Who says I did anything? You know Elaine is, how moody she can be sometimes. Hey, Kramer, where are you going?"
"Off to the publishers. I think Toby's really serious about getting my book published. You know, the coffee table book about coffee tables. We're even talking about adding little pop-up leg stands."
"Okay. See ya."
"Do you want me to say something to Elaine? Find out why she's got a beef with you?"
"No, no no! The last thing I need is for friendship interference. Please, Kramer, when you see Elaine, please don't mention this."
"Thank you," Jerry sighed.
"Don't mention it."
"That's what I just said."
00000
"So I hear you're ,mad at Jerry?"
"Who told you that? Did Jerry tell you?" Elaine demanded.
Kramer looked around. "He might have said something."
"What else did he tell you?"
"I don't know," Kramer started to panic. "I don't know! I'm just hear for the coffee table book! That's all, I tell ya!"
"Just go see Toby." Elaine sighed as she went back to work.
"But what about Jerry?"
"You want to know what Jerry did? I'll tell you what Jerry did. I got my hair fixed today but did he notice? No. He noticed how the eggs from his omelet were off to the left, but did he notice a simple thing like, say, my new hairstyle? He couldn't be bothered!"
"You want me to say something to him?"
"No. Whatever you do don't mention this to Jerry. If he doesn't know what he did then I'm not going to tell him!"
00000
"So she's mad because I didn't notice her hairstyle?"
"That's what she said."
"Oh my God, how could this have happened? I know that Elaine has a big date tonight so she probably just wanted to look her best. How could I have forgotten? How am I supposed to know when she changes her hair. She changes her hair probably as often as I change my apartment around...which is not nearly enough, according to my mother," Jerry sighed.
"Your mother thinks Elaine should change her hairstyle?"
"No. The apartment, the apartment! What did you come over for anyways?"
"Ketchup."
"What do you need ketchup for?"
"Eggs."
"Eggs? We just had eggs this morning," Jerry exclaimed as he handed Kramer the condiment.
"But you haven't had Linda's eggs. They're the best in town, I tell ya!"
"Here you go. See you later."
00000
A few hours later, Jerry got off the phone with his mother, who had spent the last twenty minutes lecturing him on how he needed to change his apartment around. Finally, exhausted, Jerry was ready for bed when the buzzer for his apartment went off.
"Who is it?"
"It's me."
Jerry would recognize that voice anywhere. It was Elaine, probably coming back from her date. "Come on up."
So for the next half hour, Elaine proceeded to tell Jerry about how bad her date was.
"Look on the bright side," Jerry smiled.
"There's a bright side to being with a date who doesn't know his fork from his sthingy?"
"Well, your hair looks nice!"
She patted the back of her hair. "It does, doesn't it?"
"Spectacular. I've never seen it look better. So healthy and shiny, and you smell so clean. I gotta tell ya, there's nothing that turns me on more than a clean date."
"So there's nothing wrong with me for dumping Tom?"
"Not a thing."
"Thanks, Jerry. I guess it's getting late. I suppose I better leave now."
"You're welcome. Monk's tomorrow at noon?"
"You got it!"
0000
So as Jerry went about his comedy routine at the club, it occurred to him that what had happened between him was a common battle of the sexes.
"Why is it, as a guy, we're supposed to notice every little change a woman makes to her appearance? It's like, she could do nothing, but if we ask her if she did something different, she becomes offended. But when she does do something, and we don't notice, we get our heads chewed off. I tell ya, the only woman in the world who notices every little change a man makes to his appearance is his mother. So I called my mom the other day, and she was like 'Jerry, did you get a haircut? My mom lives in Florida, and she knew about my haircut! It's like some super natural power that only mothers possess."
With that, Jerry called it a day, and went back to the routine of his life.
The end
