Post by melindajo2000 on Mar 3, 2012 19:33:13 GMT -6
For Shiloh
“Where the hell am I?” Todd muttered as he looked around the strange room, wondering what had happened to him. Not one to not know where he was at, not since Irene, he hated this feeling, this strange, surreal, sickening feeling more than anything in the world. There were two doors, one he had a feeling he did not want to open, and another one, more mysterious, more inviting, and more peaceful, more like home. But as he was Todd Manning, and knowing all he had done, knowing all that he had done to those around him, he knew instinctively which one he should choose. There was no decision to be made. The choice was made by the decisions that he had made in his life. He’d hurt enough people in his life to know where he belonged.
“So this is it. This is the end. No goodbyes, no big farewell parties, no nothing. I kinda figured Hell would have a welcoming party for me,” Todd muttered as he stood up to walk towards the beckoning door. Before he could turn the knob a soft and familiar hand placed itself on his, and he looked over in shock. Standing before him was a beautiful young girl, too beautiful to be an angel, especially his angel, and too beautiful to be escorting him anywhere. He knew this face, or he should have. She looked a lot like Starr, his Starr. Todd never thought that he would see her again, and his eyes welled with tears and his voice choked up with emotion as he struggled to find the right words, but none came to him. Satan would have a field day with the great Todd Manning turning to mush at the sight of a young girl.
“Peanut?” He managed to spit out as he wiped his eyes. She was not the same toddler that he remembered; instead, she was nearly the spitting image of her mother, but he would know her anywhere. In fact, he did apparently. Hope smiled as she squeezed his hand and then embraced him with all of the innocence of a young child might.
“Am I…?”
“That’s up to you, Pa-pa. Where do you think you are?”
“Well I know where I was going. But then I saw you. It is you, isn’t it?”
“Do you think it’s me?”
“Why do you guys have to make thinks so complicated? I ask you a question, you ask me a question in return. Now I know I’m losing it.”
“Relax. You’re okay. You’re with me. Do you think I’d let anything happen to you?” Hope looked him in the eyes, but he looked away.
“What’s wrong? Look at me. Don’t turn away from me. This might be the only chance we have to do this. Are you mad at me Pa-pa?”
Todd’s voice cracked as he turned around to face his granddaughter. “Peanut how could you ever think that I would ever be mad at you? Don’t you know that I would die for you? I don’t know what’s happening to me but that’s what should happen. I let you down. I let everyone in my life down. I let your mother down. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. I wasn’t there for you when you…” He looked away. “I wasn’t there for you.”
“And you think that’s your fault?”
“Isn’t it? It’s always my fault.”
“Not everything’s your fault, Pa-pa. I know you would have done everything you could for me. I know you. I know you. I know all about you. I pay attention you know,” Hope laughed.
“If you did then you would let me go. You wouldn’t want anything to do with me if you knew who I was. You would not be here fighting for me when it was me who should have been fighting for you. I should have done everything in my power to keep you and your mother in Llanview and I didn’t. I was a…”
“You were a parent. You were letting my mother making her choices. And you know what, it doesn’t matter. None of it matters. You’re here with me now. And you’re not a quitter. I don’t know too much about you but I know that you.”
Todd made a funny face. “Does it smell like…lavender in here? And why do I know that?”
Hope laughed then embraced him. “That’s right. Because it reminds you of Na-na. Think about her. Think about Mom and Jack and Dani and Sam. They need you. I need you too but they need you more. I can wait. I’m not going anywhere. I’m happy where I’m at. I’m happy,” she smiled again.
“Why should I fight for them? They don’t care about me. They never have.”
Hope raised her eyebrow.
“Okay. Maybe your Mom does. But she’ll be better off without me. I failed her. I let her down. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most.”
“Then pay attention.”
Hope opened a door and they heard cries; Todd recognized the voices as those of his wife and kids. He tried to shut the door but Hope blocked him.
“Make them stop. I don’t want to hear this.”
“No, Pa-Pa. You need to know this. You are needed and you are loved. I can wait but they can’t. Can you honestly say it would be better if you were here than down there. Listen to them. They love you. Listen to Na-na. She loves you, she just said it.”
“She loves me?”
Hope nodded.
“But I can’t leave you. I swore I would never leave you again,” Todd reinforced.
“But you will leave me. You will go be back with Na-na and Mom and Jack and Dani and Sam and that’s the way it has to be. Trust me. Do you trust me?”
Todd stared at her. “You’re the only one.”
Then Hope shut the door, and Todd opened his eyes, and everyone wiped their eyes.
“Todd!” Blair cried out, covering his face with kisses.
“Dad!”one of the kids called out.
Todd half-smiled. He looked at Starr, and wanted badly to tell her what had just happened. But he knew that it would just upset her, so for now he would keep it to himself. But there was one person he could tell.
“Hey kids, can I have a moment alone with your mom please?”
“Oh gross. You’re not going to get all mushy with her, are you?” Starr smiled and he reached out to muss with her hair.
When they were alone he told her what had happened and by the end of the story Blair’s eyes were completely moistened.
“So why did you come back?”
“It was you, Blair. It was always you.”
Blair didn’t know what to say. She shut the curtain and then she pulled up the chair, and held his hand and let the sounds of the machines comfort them as they sat together. Two old acquaintances, husband and wife, parents and lovers, brought together through time and trial; some things even time and beyond couldn’t even erase.
The end
“Where the hell am I?” Todd muttered as he looked around the strange room, wondering what had happened to him. Not one to not know where he was at, not since Irene, he hated this feeling, this strange, surreal, sickening feeling more than anything in the world. There were two doors, one he had a feeling he did not want to open, and another one, more mysterious, more inviting, and more peaceful, more like home. But as he was Todd Manning, and knowing all he had done, knowing all that he had done to those around him, he knew instinctively which one he should choose. There was no decision to be made. The choice was made by the decisions that he had made in his life. He’d hurt enough people in his life to know where he belonged.
“So this is it. This is the end. No goodbyes, no big farewell parties, no nothing. I kinda figured Hell would have a welcoming party for me,” Todd muttered as he stood up to walk towards the beckoning door. Before he could turn the knob a soft and familiar hand placed itself on his, and he looked over in shock. Standing before him was a beautiful young girl, too beautiful to be an angel, especially his angel, and too beautiful to be escorting him anywhere. He knew this face, or he should have. She looked a lot like Starr, his Starr. Todd never thought that he would see her again, and his eyes welled with tears and his voice choked up with emotion as he struggled to find the right words, but none came to him. Satan would have a field day with the great Todd Manning turning to mush at the sight of a young girl.
“Peanut?” He managed to spit out as he wiped his eyes. She was not the same toddler that he remembered; instead, she was nearly the spitting image of her mother, but he would know her anywhere. In fact, he did apparently. Hope smiled as she squeezed his hand and then embraced him with all of the innocence of a young child might.
“Am I…?”
“That’s up to you, Pa-pa. Where do you think you are?”
“Well I know where I was going. But then I saw you. It is you, isn’t it?”
“Do you think it’s me?”
“Why do you guys have to make thinks so complicated? I ask you a question, you ask me a question in return. Now I know I’m losing it.”
“Relax. You’re okay. You’re with me. Do you think I’d let anything happen to you?” Hope looked him in the eyes, but he looked away.
“What’s wrong? Look at me. Don’t turn away from me. This might be the only chance we have to do this. Are you mad at me Pa-pa?”
Todd’s voice cracked as he turned around to face his granddaughter. “Peanut how could you ever think that I would ever be mad at you? Don’t you know that I would die for you? I don’t know what’s happening to me but that’s what should happen. I let you down. I let everyone in my life down. I let your mother down. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. I wasn’t there for you when you…” He looked away. “I wasn’t there for you.”
“And you think that’s your fault?”
“Isn’t it? It’s always my fault.”
“Not everything’s your fault, Pa-pa. I know you would have done everything you could for me. I know you. I know you. I know all about you. I pay attention you know,” Hope laughed.
“If you did then you would let me go. You wouldn’t want anything to do with me if you knew who I was. You would not be here fighting for me when it was me who should have been fighting for you. I should have done everything in my power to keep you and your mother in Llanview and I didn’t. I was a…”
“You were a parent. You were letting my mother making her choices. And you know what, it doesn’t matter. None of it matters. You’re here with me now. And you’re not a quitter. I don’t know too much about you but I know that you.”
Todd made a funny face. “Does it smell like…lavender in here? And why do I know that?”
Hope laughed then embraced him. “That’s right. Because it reminds you of Na-na. Think about her. Think about Mom and Jack and Dani and Sam. They need you. I need you too but they need you more. I can wait. I’m not going anywhere. I’m happy where I’m at. I’m happy,” she smiled again.
“Why should I fight for them? They don’t care about me. They never have.”
Hope raised her eyebrow.
“Okay. Maybe your Mom does. But she’ll be better off without me. I failed her. I let her down. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most.”
“Then pay attention.”
Hope opened a door and they heard cries; Todd recognized the voices as those of his wife and kids. He tried to shut the door but Hope blocked him.
“Make them stop. I don’t want to hear this.”
“No, Pa-Pa. You need to know this. You are needed and you are loved. I can wait but they can’t. Can you honestly say it would be better if you were here than down there. Listen to them. They love you. Listen to Na-na. She loves you, she just said it.”
“She loves me?”
Hope nodded.
“But I can’t leave you. I swore I would never leave you again,” Todd reinforced.
“But you will leave me. You will go be back with Na-na and Mom and Jack and Dani and Sam and that’s the way it has to be. Trust me. Do you trust me?”
Todd stared at her. “You’re the only one.”
Then Hope shut the door, and Todd opened his eyes, and everyone wiped their eyes.
“Todd!” Blair cried out, covering his face with kisses.
“Dad!”one of the kids called out.
Todd half-smiled. He looked at Starr, and wanted badly to tell her what had just happened. But he knew that it would just upset her, so for now he would keep it to himself. But there was one person he could tell.
“Hey kids, can I have a moment alone with your mom please?”
“Oh gross. You’re not going to get all mushy with her, are you?” Starr smiled and he reached out to muss with her hair.
When they were alone he told her what had happened and by the end of the story Blair’s eyes were completely moistened.
“So why did you come back?”
“It was you, Blair. It was always you.”
Blair didn’t know what to say. She shut the curtain and then she pulled up the chair, and held his hand and let the sounds of the machines comfort them as they sat together. Two old acquaintances, husband and wife, parents and lovers, brought together through time and trial; some things even time and beyond couldn’t even erase.
The end
