The littlest cowboy

[melindajo2000]

Chapter 1


I’ve never seen the episode where Donna loses the baby but this is a completely alternate version…nothing like what happened in the show. AU you can say.


“Ray, why don’t you and I go in to town for a late lunch today? You and I haven’t spent any real time together and it’s not often I get to be seen with a handsome cowboy,” a very pregnant Donna Krebbs said as she went to massage her husband’s shoulders.

“I don’t think so, Donna. Maybe another day.” Ray reached for a beer out of the refrigerator and sat on the couch.

“Are you sure? I would have liked to have spent some time with you. It’s been awhile…”

“I said I don’t feel like going!” Ray shouted as he opened the can. He took a long drink rather than look at his wife. He knew that he was being rude but he couldn’t help himself. It had been a long day, one where he’d rather be alone than deal with anyone, even his wife. It was just in his nature to shut people out when he had a lot on his mind as he did today.

“Ray, you don’t have to bite my head off,” a hurt Donna told him. “I went to the doctor’s this morning. You didn’t even ask me how it went. Miss Ellie went with me.”

Ray said nothing. Instead he stared at the television in front of him.

“Didn’t you hear me? Don’t you even care how your child is doing? Not to mention the mother of your child! Or are you so busy being mad at the world for some unknown reason that you can’t be bothered to deal with the rest of us?”

“Donna, I just don’t feel like talking about the baby. Not right now.”

Donna was devastated. How could her husband not want to talk about the baby? That’s all they had been living for, dreaming for the past seven months. That’s all she and Ray knew. What in the world had come over him?

“Well when is the right time to talk about the baby? After he’s graduated from high school? Ray you need to grow up. You’re going to be a father now and not everything is about you. You have responsibilities that you can’t run away from or drink your way out of. I didn’t know you felt like this. If I’d known you would feel like this maybe I would have thought twice before entering into parenthood with you.”

“Donna….”Ray reached out to grab her arm, but Donna jerked her arm back. She grabbed her keys.

“Don’t you touch me, Ray Krebbs,” she warned as she walked out the door.

00000

Ray got off his horse and tied it down to a nearby branch. He felt awful for arguing with Donna- he always did. He knew that he’d been a jerk and that she had every right to be angry. Hopefully she was cooling off and that she would listen to him when she got back. But right now there were some things he had to get off his chest.

He arrived at the spot Jock used to take him when he needed time to think. He never thought much about it at the time, but he realized it that was Jock’s way of making him part of the family. Sometimes they would go out there to talk; sometimes they didn’t say a word. In the end, it didn’t really matter. Jock had spent time with him when he needed it the most, and for that Ray would always be grateful.

As he looked around and saw green as far as the eyes would take him, he swore that he still felt Jock’s presence. Jock’s loss was a mighty hard blow to take. Jock had really taken him under his wing and shown him what it was like to be a man. He’d taught him everything he’d known about work, ethic and integrity- things he’d like to pass on to his own son or daughter. Now that his child was about to be born, Ray was scared. What if he couldn’t step up to the plate? What if he somehow messed up and the child didn’t learn all of the things that a child needed to learn? Ray felt a great deal of emptiness as he wished that Jock would have been around to watch this grandchild grow up. It would have been wonderful to see Jock and this baby; he would have loved him, no doubt. Ray felt proud of the bond that he shared with bond, one which he knew that his brothers misunderstood. But it was something that he would carry with him for the rest of his days.

There were so many questions he had for Jock? What was it like raising a boy? How do you teach them a strong sense of wrong and right? The biggest concern he had on his mind was Mickey…here was his chance to do things right again and he didn’t want to mess up. He couldn’t talk to Donna about this. She wouldn’t understand. She had never loved Mickey the way he did. But Jock would have understood perfectly. Jock knew him so well.

Ray sat out there for quite awhile before heading back. On his way back he ran into Bobby on his horse.

“Ray, where have you been? We’ve been looking all over for you!”

“I’ve been out wandering about. Why, is there a problem, Bobby?”

Bobby frowned as he struggled for the right words to say to his brother. He loved his brother and had always felt a closeness with him. And he knew how much Ray would be hurt when he heard the news.

“Ray, it’s Donna. She’s been in an accident.”

Ray’s eyes widened. “How is she? How’s the baby?”

“It looks like she’s in labor.”

00000

At the hospital, Ray and Bobby joined the rest of the family in the waiting room. Miss Ellie and Pam were there, as were JR and Sue Ellen.

“Oh, Ray, I’m so sorry.” Pam ran up to her brother-in-law and embraced him.

“Well there’s nothing to be sorry for yet, right? I mean, she hasn’t had the baby yet has she?”

“No, not yet,” Miss Ellie said sadly as she took Ray’s hands. “JR will you get Ray a cup of coffee.”

“Come on, Sugar.”

“Ray we’ll be here if you need anything,” Sue Ellen told him as she left with her husband.

“I don’t understand what happened. We were at the doctor’s today and he said the baby’s heartbeat was just fine. I’m sure she told you all about it,” Miss Ellie told Ray as they all sat back down.

“No, we really didn’t get a chance to talk.”

“You would have been proud of her. Her weight is fine, the baby’s weight is fine. Everything looks good. You must be taking very good care of her.”

Ray shook his head. “I wouldn’t say that.”

“What do you mean?” Pam asked as she took Bobby’s hand.

“Right before she left the house…we got into a fight. It was my fault. This is all my fault. She wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t been so self-indulgent. She’s going to hate me forever.”

Pam looked at Bobby, then at Ray. “We don’t know what’s going to happen. But I do know from personal experience she’s going to need you more than ever. It’s not about blame. It’s about being strong and having faith in one another right now. She needs you to be strong. You can do it.”

Ray nodded.
JR and Sue Ellen returned with the coffee.
Just then the doctor walked up to him. “Mr. Krebbs?”

Ray shook his hand. The entire family stood up, anxiously waiting to hear what he had to say.

“I’m Dr. Jacobs. I’m Donna’s doctor. Donna has just given birth to a son. He’s three pounds five ounces. Your wife is weak but resting. We don’t know if he will make it through the night. We are going to take it on a day by day basis with him. We will do everything we can for him, we have a team of experts working on their cases. Would you like to see your son?“

Though a single tear ran down his face, Ray nodded his head ‘yes’. The family followed the doctor to the outside of the neonatal unit, where the doctor pointed to Ray’s son.

Miss Ellie took Ray’s hand. “You did good, son.”

Ray smiled. Suddenly he felt hope. It was as if Jock were right there with him, telling him what to do. In the waiting room when all had seemed hopeless he had thought about giving up. But here he was surrounded by family. He had a place where he belonged. He drew his strength from the Ewings, whether he realized it or not. Jock would never allow him to give up now, not when there was so much to lose. He could never fill Jock’s shoes, but he could be an example to his son now, much like his father was to him. Michael John Krebbs- there was a fighter. He would be okay. He had his grandfather’s spirit in him, Ray could tell. There was just something about the love a father had for his son that he never understood until now.

[melindajo2000]

Chapter 2


JR was the one to take the call. Everyone else had walked in right behind them. The last thing they had heard, Donna and the baby would be resting comfortably through the night. But everyone stood completely still as JR answered the telephone.

”I see. How long? And they are asking for all of us? We’ll be right there.”

JR turned to face the family, Miss Ellie’s eyes filling with tears. “No, JR, no….” Clayton walked over and supported her with the weight of his body.

“They need us at the hospital now. He’s not going to make it through the night. Ray and Donna want to see us.”

“We must go to them,” Pam looked to Bobby with sadness in her eyes. If anyone would know what to say in a time like this it would be her. Although she had not carried her children to term, she understood what it was like to want a child and knew the devastation the loss of one would bring. When she miscarried she thought she would never be whole again. She could never imagine what would happen if something should happen to Christopher. She buried herself in Bobby’s arms, not even wanting to think of the possibility.

Soon the family was gathered in Donna’s room. She was smiling as she held her son’s hand through the incubator. He was so tiny, none of the family had seen a child that small before. Donna was a natural mother. No one could see the fear in her eyes. She seemed at peace, oddly enough. No one would know of the tragic events the night would bring. It was easy to see why Ray drew his strength from her. If she was scared, she wasn’t showing it. Determined to make the most of every minute, she held closely to her newborn son, christened Michael John after Ray’s cousin and father. All eyes were on her and everyone wondered what she was thinking.

Brave on the outside, Donna knew that she couldn’t fall apart, not now. Ray and Michael needed her. The Ewings needed her. She wasn’t one to break down in the face of a crisis, although this was the most devastating blow she had ever received. One never expected news like this, and there were just no words to describe how she was feeling. And the worst part was that she could not even hold her son. He was so tiny he depended on all of these machines and tubes for his very survival, no matter how long it might be. She would just have to settle for the touch of his hand, which she would never forget as long as she lived. He looked so fragile, and she felt so helpless. All she wanted to do was hold him and make everything better, the way a mother’s instinct told her to. In a way she felt blessed. She got to see her son and touch him, when she knew that Pam and Bobby had never gotten to see their children. All she would be left with was memories of this precious night and she wanted to make the most of it: surrounded by her loved ones, the ones who meant most to her in the world.

As Miss Ellie watched Donna, she felt her heartbreak into a million pieces. She was grateful to have Clayton by her side, but she found herself missing Jock very much. The days surrounding his death were the darkest days of her life, ones she thought she would never have to relieve. Even though she was surrounded by her family she felt completely alone. Jock had been her rock and her world. She had weathered many storms knowing that he would be there waiting for her at the end of the day. Every time she passed his portrait she missed him a little more each time. Jock was a good man, and no one could ever take his place. It was perfectly natural that Jock had two grandchildren named after him; his presence was a strong one that could never be underestimated. For the rest of her life she would grieve for that man. And now she had a grandson that she would never know. She was a strong woman and she would keep it together; but in her heart she would always remember. Always. At the same time, she thought of how she missed her son Gary. He was so far away. A mother’s love for her child knew no boundaries. It didn’t matter how far away Gary was, he would always be her baby, and she needed him now. But she couldn’t impose on him. He had a life to life; he had that right. But there was always a part of her that would be torn up knowing that her family was incomplete without him. But as always, she would just go on the best she could. That was what she was good at- keep on keeping on. When she got home she would call Gary just to hear his voice.

JR kept his emotions to himself, but he could not help but be moved by the plight of his brother and sister-in law. Even though he was not close to Ray, he did not wish this kind of pain on them. Suddenly he was back in the hospital, waiting to see if his own son John Ross would make it through the night. He remembered all too well the helplessness and the frustration that came with watching the child you loved so dearly lie in the hospital bed fighting for his life. Knowing that his nephew was fighting a losing battle brought a sinking feeling to the bottom of his stomach. JR was a man who liked to be in control of every situation. He was the top dog in every room that he walked in. Knowing that there was nothing he could do to make this right frustrated him to no end. He thought back to watching his wife Sue Ellen fight for her life. She looked so beautiful, even then. Tears had filled his eyes as he thought that he might lose her. It had helped knowing that he had the support of his brother Bobby. So JR did what he thought was the right thing to do. He walked over and put his hand on the back of his brother Ray. The simple gesture did not go unnoticed by Miss Ellie or Donna, even though no one said a word.

As Sue Ellen watch Donna lovingly hold on to Michael’s hand, feelings of guilt flooded her mind. She had not held her son for a long time after he was born. She had not been a well woman. She would go back and undo those first few months of John Ross’s life if she could. She’d wrestled with herself so many times. He was born too early due to her drinking and driving. She just hadn’t been able to face up to those feelings of guilt and as a result had avoided her son. That had torn her family apart. She considered herself quite fortunate that her son did not realize what had happened back when he was a baby, but she had never forgiven herself. As she looked at Donna, who naturally knew what to do, she envied her. She enjoyed that bond, it just came naturally to her. Suddenly she felt terrible. Sue Ellen had so much to be thankful for. John Ross was so healthy and strong and he loved his mom. Donna was saying goodbye. Maybe Sue Ellen was truly blessed after all. She felt herself tearing up, which was the last thing anyone needed. So she walked over to her husband and took JR’s hand. It was hard knowing how he would react, but fortunately he did not reject her. They turned to watch the baby, and JR pulled Sue Ellen close to him. She would love to know what he was thinking.

Bobby watched Ray as he began to cry and walked over to him. As the two men embraced, Bobby thought of his own losses. He remembered what it was like when Pam had her miscarriages. He had thought it would be the end of the world. He felt so helpless as he watched his wife in so much pain. He would have given anything if he could have taken her pain away. And now Bobby was watching his brother suffer. Bobby hated to see the ones he loved hurting. He hated feeling frustrated, which is what he was feeling now. He knew there was nothing he could say to Ray that would make this night go any easier for him. Bobby had a good heart, but was at a loss of words. He was hurting too. This was a loss of his nephew, one whom was named after his beloved father. Bobby understood very well the position Ray would be in: he would have to be strong and keep it together for Donna’s sake, even though he might feel like falling apart. Maybe Bobby could encourage Ray and stand by him. They were close, maybe Ray would listen to him. Tragedies could tear a family apart and he didn’t want that to happen to the Krebbs. He would do his best to help these two hurting people. He had to…he couldn’t let another tragedy befall the Krebbs family, not if he could help it.

Pam watched Donna touch her child. It reminded her of her long hard struggle to have a child of her own. It was a difficult journey but in the end it was worth it. Christopher belonged to her. Christopher was healthy, happy and beautiful, and she could provide him with a wonderful life. Her heart broke for Donna and Ray, and she couldn’t look over at Ray and Bobby. For if she saw Ray cry she knew that she would cry too. This was a time to be strong and follow Donna’s lead. Donna was being so strong, and she needed strong people around her. This was a happy moment for a sad night. Donna would want to remember happiness around her. Pam could do that. She could count her blessings and be happy. She could do what was asked of her. That was easy. It was Donna who had it hard.

Donna looked up at everyone. “Would you like to touch his hand?” she smiled.

Everyone was caught off guard.

Miss Ellie went first. She said a prayer, thinking of Jock and Gary. His hand was so tiny but it was heavenly to feel it.

Sue Ellen went next. For the first time she felt like she could forgive herself for not holding John Ross when he was a baby. She saw that it could have been a lot worse. She could have been in Donna’s shoes. She felt so blessed. She took JR’s hand and started to walk away when he paused, wanting to hold the baby’s hand.

JR thought of John Ross and of Sue Ellen, and of all the promises he made that night. At that moment he renewed those promises. He would be a more loving husband and father. He just had to be. He didn’t know how he would do it, but he would do it. He kissed Sue Ellen on the cheek as he made his way down the line.

Bobby and Pam went next. As Bobby took Michael’s hand, he thought of the long road it took to get Christopher. He thought of all the heartbreak Pam suffered along the way. He felt blessed. And he thanked Michael for reminding him of how blessed he really was.

Pam held his hand, and she told him how much she loved him. And that he gave the family hope. And that they would all be together again one day…the Ewings always did stick together. And she told him how loved he was.

Bobby walked behind Ray, who was still crying.
“I don’t know why this is happening. But I do know that you’re my son. They say that everything happens for a reason. But I don’t believe it. There’s no good reason why this happened. There was so much I wanted to do with you. I wanted to teach you the ways of the land, the way my father taught me. I wanted to throw ball with you, teach you to ride in the rodeo. You were my little cowboy. You’ll always be my cowboy. There just aren’t enough words for me to tell you how much I love you. Goodnight, Cowboy, goodnight.”

With that, Ray walked over to hug Donna. The rest of the family knew that it was time for them to leave for a few minutes, and so exited gracefully. It was the longest night of Ray and Donna’s lives, but somehow they found the grace and courage to stay strong until it was the moment to let go.

[melindajo2000]

The littlest cowboy
Chapter 3


“Honey, it’s noon. Don’t you think you ought to get out of bed and get dressed?” a concerned Ray asked his wife.

He was greeted by his wife’s back turned to him, the cover pulled over her head. This was the fifth day after her baby’s funeral that she had been in bed. It was all he could do to get her out of bed and in the shower. She wasn’t eating, She might have taken a cup of coffee, and then gone back to bed. She hadn’t left the house or her bed. She certainly wasn’t the Donna she was before this tragedy happened, and Ray didn’t blame her. But the worst part of it was, to him at least, was that Donna refused to talk to him. She wouldn’t say a single word to him. If she wanted coffee, she refused the coffee he had made. She would get up and make a cup herself, drink it, and go back to bed. Silence speaks a thousand words, and she was speaking volumes.

Ray knew what she was feeling. She was blaming him for the death of their son. If only he hadn’t argued with her, she wouldn’’t have gotten behind the wheels of the car that night of that awful accident. She didn’t have to tell him that it was his fault; he knew that it was. She couldn’t hate him any more than he did. He could ride out to the ranch and find a hiding place and cry, where no one could see him. He’d never done this much crying in his life. Then he would go to work, and bury his grief in a good honest day’s work. And then he would come home to a house full of unspoken grief. All he wanted to do was pull Donna into his arms and let her cry in his arms, or let her cry with him, anything but what they had been doing. Anything would be better than what had been going on for the better part of the week.

He could be patient. If she needed time to deal with this loss, he would just have to wait. If it was only grief she was dealing with, he could wait. It was the hatred and blame and anger, he didn’t know if he could handle. Sometimes when she didn’t know he was looking, Ray saw the way she looked at him. She looked right through him, as if he were a stranger in their own home. How could two people love each other so much have drifted so far apart in such a short period of time? d**n it, Donna, he wanted to say to her, it was his son too. He didn’t want this to happen. He never meant to fight with her on that awful night. But in the end, he did fight with her, and it was his fault. None of this would have happened if he hadn’t been so stubborn. So he would just have to let Donna heal however she needed to heal. And if that meant taking her pain out on him , he would just have to man up and take it. To hell with his feelings- he had to help Donna- or his marriage might die along with their son.

“Donna, do you feel like taking a walk today? It’s a beautiful day…not too hot, not too cool. We could walk around the ranch.”

“No,” Donna answered, not even bothering to lift her head from under the blanket. “I don’t feel well.”

“Maybe we should get you to a doctor to be checked out? Isn’t it time for your checkup?”

“I went yesterday. Miss Ellie took me.”

“Why didn ‘t you take me? You know I wanted to be there for you!”

Donna didn’t answer, but she sadly looked at Ray. The life in her eyes, the life that he loved so dearly that filled up every room, was missing.

Oh Donna, he thought. You’ve got to let me in if you’re going to make it. You can’t keep pushing me out. You need me right now, you just don’t’ know it. And God knows I need you. I’ve always needed you. And now you’re not here. I don’t have my father and I don’t have you- now what am I supposed to do?

[melindajo2000]

The littlest cowboy
chapter 4

Ray was out on the ranch, throwing himself into his work. He just couldn’t stop thinking about Donna and the baby no matter what he did. It wasn’t fair, his son never had a chance. And he thought of all he had lost in his life, first his father, then his cousin Mickey, then his son Michael. Sometimes he thought about giving up. The one thing that held him together was his wife Donna, and now she wasn’t so strong. He didn’t know what he would do if he ever lost her. She was the glue that held everything together in his life, and now she needed him more than ever. And he just didn’t know if he had the strength to be the man she needed.

Why did Jock have to die? He was his example in life for so many years. He taught him how to be a man, just like Ray had tried to do for Mickey. Jock was a solid man, with good values. He believed in family, and would know how to carry on in times like this. Ray shook his head, thinking that maybe he just wasn’t as tough as Jock. Would he be proud of him knowing that he sometimes let his feelings get the best of him? Try as hard as he might, sometimes he let his heart rule his head, and that sometimes got him into trouble.

Suddenly he heard a horse gallop beside him. His brother Bobby had come up to see him.

“Hey Ray.”

Ray just nodded, not wanting to talk.

“I thought I might find you here.”

“I’ve been trying to stay busy.”

“You have a lot to do today?” Bobby asked.

“It’s been slow but steady,” Ray answered.

“Look Ray, I’ve been meaning to talk to you. I just didn’t know how…this isn’t easy. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about the baby. I know how much he meant to you and Donna. He meant the world to us, especially Mamma. We were really looking forward to spending time with him. He was a beautiful boy. I know you would have made a wonderful father- you were a wonderful father. I don’t know the reason behind all of this. I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better. I don’t have all the answers. I know you’re hurting. We all are.”

Ray looked at Bobby for a long time. “No offense, but no one is hurting like I am. None of you know what it’s like to bury a son.”

Bobby took a deep breath. “Maybe not, but Pam and I lost two children that we loved and wanted very much. We were connected to those pregnancies very deeply. I know it’s not the same thing- and I’m not trivializing your pain in any way. You’re right- I don’t know how you or Donna feel. I never got to hold my children or see them draw their first breath. And for that I’m truly sorry for you. I don’t know how you even manage to get out of bed. I don’t think I could.”

Ray thought about Donna, but didn’t think it was the time to talk about her. “You know, I just take it a day at a time. I just take one breath at a time. Sometimes I forget to breathe, it hurts so much. I know I have a lot to live for- I have Donna and I have a family who loves me. I have the ranch to tend to, thank God. Miss Ellie has been wonderful, but Donna’s been shutting her out too. Everything’s like a bad nightmare. I keep waking up in the morning thinking that there’s been some mistake, that Donna’s still pregnant. And then I reach for her and find out that she’s not, and the hurt starts over all over again. To tell you the truth, I just don’t know how I manage.”

Bobby placed his hand on Ray’s back. “Ray, you know, I didn’t know how to take it when I found out you were my brother. I was shocked, to say the least. I didn’t want to share my daddy with anyone. But of anyone in the world, I’m glad it was you.”

Ray didn’t say anything, but was genuinely touched by his brother’s words. True, he was his half-brother. If it were JR he wouldn’t hesitate to use the word “half”. With JR it was all about “half”- half- brother, half- breed. JR didn’t bother to extend his sympathies during this time, not that Ray expected him to. But Bobby was of a different nature. Bobby was a good soul, and could be counted on to lend an ear. Ray wasn’t really ready to talk, but if he was he could be sure it would be Bobby he would turn to. After all, that’s what brothers were for.

[melindajo2000]

Chapter 5


Miss Ellie knocked on Donna’s door, and Donna reluctantly answered it.

“Donna, may I come in? I brought you some chili. I hope you don’t mind,” Miss Ellie smiled at her friend and long time confidant. Miss Ellie was friend to many but rarely trusted many with her deepest secrets, but felt a deep connection with Donna. She knew that she could trust Ray’s wife.

“Come in. I’m sorry about the house. I haven’t had a chance to pick up, Donna apologized.”

Miss Ellie was surprised. Donna’s house wasn’t the usual immaculate place it normally was. Ray was right…Donna was in a deep state of depression. She was glad Ray had come to her.

“How are you doing?”

“I’m doing well thank you. How are you? How’s Clayton?”

“Oh, he’s fine. He and Ray went out to a cattle auction today but you knew that. I was wondering if you would like to go for a walk with me.” Miss Ellie was careful not to ask but to strongly suggest it. “I think it would do you a world of good.

“No thank you. I am waiting on a phone call,” Donna smiled politely.

“Now, Donna, let the machine pick it up. Now you’re coming with me. Now go get dressed while I put the chili away. I won’t take no for an answer.”

Donna had to admit defeat. Once Miss Ellie had her mind made up it was impossible to change it. So she got up to change and quickly came back.

Even Donna had to admit the warm Texas sun felt nice against her skin. The two ladies didn’t say anything for a while, but they didn’t have to. Their companionship spoke volumes about their deep respect for each other.

“Donna, how have you been doing, really? We’ve all been so worried about you.”

Donna looked away from her. “It’s been so hard. I just feel so bad… I don’t know if I can talk about it.”

“I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through. I love my boys very much and I don’t know what I would have done if something would have happened to them. But what happened happened, and I think that you need to take care of yourself. Ray needs you. I need you. There are a lot of people who love you and are worried about you. I can’t tell you how to heal but I am concerned that you haven’t started to,” Miss Ellie gently told her.

“I know that. But I can’t worry about Ray right now. I have too much to deal with.” What Donna didn’t say is that she was feeling guilty because she was blaming Ray for what happened. Intellectually she knew that it wasn’t his fault that she lost the baby but she kept asking herself what would have happened if they hadn’t fought that night. Why did he have to be so stubborn? He had acted like he didn’t want to be a father. She hated herself for thinking these thoughts but she couldn’t help herself. She just had to do something with all of these awful feelings she was living with.

“Donna,” Miss Ellie spoke softly. “Do you remember what I went through when I had cancer? I didn’t want to tell Jock what I was feeling. I didn’t want to share with him what I was going through. I tried to push him away. But he surprised me. I gave him a chance and we got closer than ever. I hope that you give Ray that same chance.”

Donna nodded as she stared out into the open. “I’ll try Miss Ellie but I can’t promise anything.” Donna knew that Miss Ellie was right, but right now she couldn’t stand to look at her own husband. He was too much of a painful reminder of what they had lost. Maybe someday she could talk to him, but until then she would just have to fight this thing on her own.

[melindajo2000]

Chapter 6


Pam felt sick, and she had a sinking feeling she knew what was wrong. It wasn’t wrong. In fact, she believed things were right, so very very right. She wanted to go to the doctor’s to be sure, but she had bought a home pregnancy test and would know the answer in minutes. She couldn’t wait to tell Bobby that his dreams would come true. This was the blessing that the family needed, especially after the tragedy that they had just experienced.

Suddenly she felt a wave of guilt come over her. How would she tell Donna and Ray this? She knew that they were still coming to terms with the loss of their child, and this would just compound their grief. It almost didn’t seem fair, but she knew she shouldn’t feel guilty. This baby was a long time coming for Bobby and Pam. They had suffered their share of losses, and she was almost afraid to get her hopes up. But Pam was a very compassionate woman, and she didn’t want to hurt Donna any more than she was already hurting. At the same time she knew Miss Ellie would be thrilled for her youngest son. The timing was off, but she couldn’t help that. Maybe it would be best if they held off on announcing her pregnancy.

Finally the few minutes were up, and it was time to check the results. Pam was so happy to see that they were what she’d been waiting for. She was going to be a mother again. She couldn’t wait to tell Bobby. He loved being a father, and nothing would please him more than to know that Christopher would be a big brother. But she knew her husband, and she knew that he would share her concerns over Ray and Donna. They would just have to be careful not to let anyone know for awhile. She knew that Donna especially was deeply in mourning. She would never begrudge anyone a child, especially Pam. Donna was far too gracious. Donna was one of the most caring women that Pam had ever known. But Pam could only imagine how Donna must be feeling at the moment. When Pam had suffered her miscarriages, she had felt like she had let the family down. Maybe it was time she reached out to her sister-in-law.

She called Donna,

“Donna, it’s Pam. How are you?”

“I’m doing well. How are you?”

“I’m also doing well. I was wondering if you would like to come over. I haven’t seen you in awhile and it would mean a lot to me if you would join me for some coffee,” Pam offered.

Donna sighed. She knew that everyone meant well but sometimes all she wanted was to be left alone. “I don’t know Pam. I have a lot to do around the house.”

“Well let it wait. If you don’t come over here than I’m coming to get you, “ Pam insisted.

“Okay, I’ll be right over,” Donna said against her better judgment.

Pam was happy to see her sister-in-law. “Come in. I’m glad you could make it.”

“Thank you for inviting me. It’s probably a good idea for me to get out. Miss Ellie and Ray have been after me to get out more. They say I’ve been hibernating.”

“Well that’s understandable,” Pam reached out and touched Donna’s hand. “I can’t say I would feel like leaving the house if I were in your shoes.”

Donna smiled. “I’m glad you understand. It doesn’t feel like too many people do. They say they do but unless you’ve been through it, I don’t think you’re capable of going through the emotions that we’ve experienced. It’s an awful club that we’re in.”

Pam nodded. “You’re right. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I just didn’t think I would make it after I went though what I did. But I did, thanks to Bobby. And I have to say that I think you’re lucky to have Ray. I know how much he loves you and I know he wants to be there for you.”

Donna sighed. “I’m sorry but I don’t really want to talk about Ray.”

“I think it would help. I don’t know what’s going on but I know that he’s a good man and I know that he’s hurting too. I don’t want to see anything happen to the two of you because of this. I know that when I lost my mother I nearly lost Bobby. I turned my anger on him. I hope that’s not happening to you.”

“Pam, I’m sorry but I don’t think my marriage is any of your business.”

“It is my business. You two are some of the people I care about the most in this world. I have not gone through exactly what you’ve been through but I’ve experienced tragedy. I don’t want anything to happen with you and Ray. He needs you right now as much as you need him.”

“I don’t know how you can tell me what I need right now. I don’t even know what I need. What I need is my child back, and no one can give that to me,” Donna said with tears in her eyes. “Excuse me, I need to use your restroom.”

“Of course.”

Donna washed her face and went to throw the tissue away when she noticed the unmistakable pregnancy test in the trash can. She took a deep breath. There was going to be a new baby in the family…she didn’t know how she would deal with this. She felt lost, even more than ever. She walked out and looked at Pam.

“I’m sorry, I have to go now.”

She left without saying another word. Pam was confused, wondering what she had said. She felt so helpless, wishing there was something else she could do to help Donna. She would talk to Bobby when he came home, he would know what to do.

[melindajo2000]

Chapter 7


Donna walked in and noticed Ray sitting down and having a beer. From the looks of the cans sitting on the table, it wasn’t the first one. He obviously hadn’t shaved in days. The distance between them was palpable. Part of her wanted nothing more than to run to him and have him hold her like there was no tomorrow. But every time she looked at him she saw the child she left behind, and the fight that they had. Why did he have to be so stubborn? Would she have gotten into that accident if they hadn’t have fought? It wasn’t fair to blame him but she couldn’t live with the constant pain and she didn’t know what else to do with it.

“Drinking again?” she asked bitterly.

Ray looked at her with hurt in his eyes. “I had a few. Is that a crime?”


“No. It just seems to me that you’ve been going through quite a few lately. You might consider cutting back.”

“I can cut back any time I feel like it. I work hard and I think I’m entitled to a cold one when I come home.” Ray didn’t want to fight, but it seemed unfair to him that she was picking on him. He normally tried to bite his tongue but today he couldn’t help himself. She was awfully short with him and he just couldn’t deal with her criticism.

“Did you take out the trash?” Donna asked, knowing full well he hadn’t.

“Donna, you need to back off. I had a hard day and I don’t need this. I had an auction to go to and then I had to round up a herd. I’m pretty tired and I didn’t come home just to get ripped into. Can’t you just lay off just for once? I’m your husband, remember? I know you’re hurting but he was my son too.”

Donna sat down beside Ray and rested her head on his shoulder. She let herself cry. “I know. I’m sorry, honey. I really am.” She thought about telling him about Pam but she knew that it would hurt him too. She wasn’t ready to talk about that, or anything ready. She looked into his eyes and saw the gentleness that she so loved about him and saw the longing that he was feeling. She recognized it because she was feeling it too. Brushing her hand against his face, Donna leaned in and kissed him for the first time in what seemed like ages. Hungrily, he kissed her back. Ray ran his finger through her hair and she sighed, realizing how much she had missed his touch. She took his hand and placed it on her chest, letting him know that it was okay to touch her.

Ray stood up and looked her in the eye. “Will you come with me?”

Donna nodded, needing her husband more than ever. Taking his hand, she allowed her husband to lead her to their bedroom.

Ray gently laid her down, and took off his shirt, revealing his nicely toned chest. Then he lay down beside her, planting gentle kisses on her lips and neck. Donna sighed, drinking in his affection. She never needed him more than she did in this moment. She kissed his neck, clinging to his shoulders. Removing her shirt and her bra, he smiled at the sight of her. He always did adore the sight of his wife and took pleasure in pleasing her. He eagerly removed his jeans and then hers, and entered her. She wrapped her legs around him as she willingly took him in. Everything was forgotten about as she moved along with him. Allowing herself to feel good for the first time in awhile, she was once again reminded of her love for her husband. As he looked her in the eyes she experienced the most intense climax of her life. She barely recovered when she came again. Donna couldn’t help but run her nails down Ray’s back as he finished. All the thoughts of the day disappeared as for the first time in awhile she found solace in the arms in her husband. As Ray watched her sleep, he wondered what she was thinking. If only she would let him in like she did tonight, they might be okay. Tonight wouldn’t solve all their problems, but it might be the start of a new beginning.

[melindajo2000]

Chapter 8


For the past month, things had been better, not perfect between Donna and her husband. She had allowed him to touch her at night. She still barely spoke to him, and she hadn’t shared the news of Pam’s pregnancy. That was a family secret, the kind that tore families apart even if kept for the best of reasons. Pam and Bobby had told Miss Ellie, but she told no one, for she did not want to upset Donna. Donna told no one, for it was too hard for her to talk about. She could only imagine the taunting that JR would do, for he was that cruel. Donna didn’t want to think about it….she just wanted to feel safe, and she could do that in the com fort in her husband’s arms.

Night after night they made love like it was the last time they would ever love each other again. Passionate, furious, tender when needed to be, they both knew each other’s needs and anticipated what each other wanted from the other person. There where nights when all they needed was to be held and cry it out. Nothing needed to be said. And that was all right. Just the act of offering two strong arms to hold on too meant the world to the person who needed them. Neither of them was able to talk about that awful night that changed the course of their lives forever. Would they ever be able to? IF they were ever going to move forward with their lives and their marriage they would need to move forward. But how? Donna didn’t think she could ever let go of the past…it was just a reminder of the son she would have to leave behind, and she just couldn’t do that.

Ray was ahead of her. He was ready to talk about it. He was ready to talk about the fight, the awful night, the baby, everything. He wanted to move forward. He recognized that they were stuck in a very unhealthy place and that they were drowning in their sorrows. They couldn’t move forward if they couldn’t let go of the past. How could he move forward without Donna? He couldn’t do that, could he? He didn’t want to leave her behind. She was part of him. She was his anchor. He had to meet her where she was at, even if it meant dragging him down. Could he sacrifice his well being for her? He didn’t know, he just didn’t know. God he wished Jock were around. He’d know what to do as the head of the household. Ray was just so lost. What should he do? What could he do? He could move on, keep on healing without Donna….and jeopardize his marriage. He could outgrow Donna. And he didn’t want to do that. He could stay where he was at and lose his mind with grief in the process. Or he could just take things one day at a time and be strong enough to help Donna, and not get the help he needed to deal with things. When he thought of it that way he knew he could resent Donna. It would be so easy to run away and not look back.

“Donna….I’m going out for a beer. I’ll be back.” He said as she was ready to settle in to bed.”

“But Ray….I was ready to …you know…”

“I just can’t right now. I need some time to myself. I need a beer.”

“We have beer here.”

“I’m going out,” he said sternly, He avoided looking at her, knowing that he’d hurt her so. She was so vulnerable and they’d gotten so close again, but he had to escape all these thoughts in his head.

He turned around and left without another word. Donna dropped to her knees and broke down in tears, she had come to need him so much. She threw every pillow and every blanket across the room. At that moment she felt something break in her. She would never let herself need her husband ever again. What they had shared was now broken. He had broken it.

00000

At the bar, Ray was drinking his third beer when Jenna Wade sat next to him.

“It’s not good to be drinking alone, cowboy. Would you like some company?”

Jenna looked so attractive, she seemed so attentive and innocent, how could he resist her offer of companionship?

“Have a seat. What would you like to drink?”

“I’ll have what you’re having,” Jenna said sweetly.
Good. Something uncomplicated. That’s exactly what he needed.

It turned out that Jenna Wade was exactly what he needed. She laughed at all of his jokes, she touched his leg, she smiled at him. Most importantly, she asked him if he wanted to go home with her.

“You do know that I’m married.”

“I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m just inviting you to stay with me for the night. No strings attached.” Jenna smiled so sweetly at him.

No strings attached. There were so many strings attached to every decision in his life. Just for once it might be nice to have a no strings attached decision. This might be just what he needed to forget about everything that was weighing so heavily on his mind. He took Jenna’s hand.

“Lead on.”

[melindajo2000]

chapter 9


It was four in the morning when Ray came walking in the house. Donna was asleep and he crawled in beside her.

She sat up. “Where have you been?”

“I’m sorry honey. Go back to sleep.”

She looked at the clock. “I think I have a right to know where you’ve been. If I came crawling home at four in the morning I think you’d have a lot to say.” She turned on the lights and then she saw it- the unmistakable print of lipstick on Ray’s collar.

Nothing he could ever say could justify his actions. She was furious to say the least. Raising an eyebrow, she asked him: “Is there something you would like to say to me?”

“Donna I’m tired and would like to go to sleep.”

“I bet you are tired. All of that screwing around would do that to a person.”

Ray looked down. “Honey….I didn’t sleep with her.”

“You liar! You can’t even look me in the eyes. You have a lot of nerve coming into my home after getting it on with some common sleeper…”

“She’s not a sleeper.”

Donna slapped Ray across the face.

“Who is she?” She demanded.

“It doesn’t matter. And I promise to you that I didn’t sleep with her. I wanted to, but I thought about you and I couldn’t do that to you. I’ve lost so much and you’re the one thing that keeps me going. I don’t want to lose you too.”

Donna shook her head. “How am I supposed to believe a word out of your mouth when you won’t even tell me who she is? Ray…I don’t want to fight but you’re sitting there with another woman’s lipstick on your collar and you won’t give me the dignity of telling me who she is. Don’t I deserve the truth? After everything we’ve been through I think that’s the least you can do for me.”

It was a low blow and she knew it, but she wanted to hit him where it hurt. He had devastated her and there would be no fair fighting, not now. He broke all the rules. If he couldn’t give her the answers she deserved then she wouldn’t be responsible for what happened next.

“Donna…it was Jenna Wade. We talked at the bar and had a few drinks. She invited me back to her place. We talked for a little bit. Things got a little heated and the next thing I knew we were in her room. But then I thought of you and what you meant to me and I just couldn’t do it. I don’t want to hurt you, I never did. I love you more than anything in this world. How can I make you see that?”

“Well you did a good job of helping me see that tonight,” Donna spat out bitterly.

Jenna Wade… Of all the women in Dallas he had to pick his brother’s ex-girlfriend. Didn’t he have any morals? Why he was no better than JR. Maybe that was unfair but that was how she felt at the moment. She hadn’t had much interaction with Jenna but she knew how Pam felt about her, and her loyalty was with Pam.

“Well I can see Jenna’s doing well for herself.” Donna said sarcastically. “Who’s next, JR?”

“She’s not like that.”

Donna couldn’t believe her ears. “And what exactly is she like? She couldn’t have Bobby so she set her sights on you. That sounds pretty self-explanatory to me. She doesn’t even care that you’re married. And you- forget about me, think about your brother? How would he feel knowing that you’re dallying about with his ex? I guess loyalty doesn’t mean what it used to with you, does it?”

“Donna, please believe me, I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you or anyone. I wasn’t thinking. I guess I’m so messed up. I can’t explain it. Please don’t turn your back on me now…I need you. I love you. Don’t let what’s happened ruin our marriage.”

“Ray, I can’t even look at you right now. I think I’m going to be sick.” And she ran out, leaving Ray to ponder his future.

[melindajo2000]

Chapter 10


This chapter may be a little bit sensitive.

Donna looked at the stick in front of her on the bathroom sink- two lines. There was no mistaking it. She was definitely pregnant. Her hands shook as she grabbed it and looked at it one more time. She, Donna Krebbs, was going to be a mother. This was the worst thing that could have happened to her.

She’d just buried a child three months ago. Her body had only begun to heal, let alone her mind and her spirit. Her marriage was in shambles. She felt as if her body had betrayed her. How could this happen now…now of all times? She wasn’t ready to be a mother. She had been a mother, just because the child hadn’t lived long enough to say mamma or daddy or that it couldn’t crawl around didn’t mean she was not a mother. She was a mother in every sense of the word. And she never wanted to forget Michael Krebbs. His time on earth was short but he had changed everything about her. He’d made her a mother, and she’d needed time to process that change. And now here was another child, wanting to rush things, fast forward her grieving process, intrude on her personal innermost thoughts. How dare him! No one had a right to tell her it was time to stop loving her child…

Would loving a new child mean that she would forget about Michael? Donna could see it now, comments from perfectly well meaning strangers…”Well at least you have one child now”….they will never understand that she has two children, one that was left behind. She would never stop loving Michael. And her heart was so full of love that she could honestly not imagine loving another child as much as she loved him. If she were to talk to any other parent, she would see that that feeling is not an uncommon one, but she held it inside and felt so guilty. Being pregnant definitely meant that she would have to live in the moment, and she wasn’t quite sure she was ready for that.

And then there was Ray…. How dare he make her pregnant right now? When she thought that they’d been making love it was to be close to each other, not to make another child. And now he’d gone off and made love (how far he really went, she wasn’t sure she believed) with Jenna Wade, so his idea of love was a little bit off. Was bringing a child into this world really fair considering the state of their marriage? Ray would stay with her, he would never leave her, but only for the child, and not because he loved her. And she wanted a man that wanted to be with her because he loved her. She deserved that, she thought.

There was only one solution. She could not continue. She called an made an appointment with the clinic the next day. For the rest of the day she was a nervous wreck, although she tried to pretend everything was normal. She even accepted an invitation to Miss Ellie’s for dinner. There Pam and Bobby officially announced their pregnancy. She handled it well, and let her know how happy she was. She saw how thrilled Miss Ellie was. Ray fussed over Pam so much, you would think it was his baby. Even Donna conceded that a baby was the best thing that could happen to the Ewings. She was happy for her sister-in-law, but was sure that she was making the right decision for herself. They hadn’t been through what she had been through. Watching Ray act so carefree was a joy. She could never tell him. This would devastate him. No, it was best that she go through it alone.

The next day it was her turn. Suddenly she thought of Ray fussing over Pam and how happy he looked. He hadn’t been that happy since she herself had been pregnant. Was this right? Could she betray her husband this way? He’d betrayed her- he’d been unfaithful, but this was different. This was a child, for goodness’s sake. If she went through with this and Ray found out about it her marriage would be over for sure. She would lose everything. She’d thought she’d lost everything but when she closed her eyes and thought about Ray walking out on her she broke down in tears. Ray was her everything. She couldn’t lose him. Whatever had happened, they could get through together. Even this pregnancy, she might be able to handle it- if she had Ray to help her. She had to get out of here. Donna got up and got dressed and ran out of the clinic without looking back. She knew where she had to go- she had to find Ray.

[melindajo2000]

Chapter 11

Donna got on a horse and searched the ranch, looking everywhere for her husband. Finally she spotted him, shirtless and chopping up lumber. She tied up her horse and he threw down his axe when he spotted her. Ray smiled and walked over to her, obviously not expecting this midday surprise. But she caught him off guard.

Donna ran up to him and began to hit him with both fists on his chest.

“I hate you,” is all she could say. “Ray grabbed her fists but she kept on hitting, and he recognized it was therapeutic for her. So he stood there and let her hit her demons away. He’d been hit before, by many a men with meaner fists than hers.

“I hate you,” she cried, not looking him in the eyes. It began to rain, but that didn’t stop her. She slipped and fell to her knees and he lowered to the ground and took her wrists, She cried as she had never cried before. It was all coming out. All of the hate, all of the blame, all of the emptiness she had felt since the baby had died…. It was time to let it out. And Ray would be right there to catch her as she fell.

Donna looked down at the darn shoe that had tripped her. She picked it up and through it at the barn, followed by the other one. She grabbed a handful of gravel and began to throw them into the open field, aiming at nothing in particular, just needing a release from all the anger she felt inside. Physically she felt like she could explode at any time. Ray eyed his axe and prayed she didn’t see it, he smiled half jokingly.

She ran ahead of him about ten feet and screamed out “I hate you Ray Krebbs.”

It pained him so much to hear her say that. It matched how he felt about him much of the time. What kept him going was knowing that he had a wife that he didn’t deserve who loved him unconditionally, and here she was announcing to the world that she hated him. Ray was ready to give up. There wasn’t much more he could do for her any more. Maybe the love they had for each other just wasn’t enough. He thought it was, but she kept pushing him away and wouldn’t let him in. And he’d gone and almost made the biggest mistake a man could make. How could he be so foolish? He couldn’t blame Donna for hating him- he hated himself too. But this hatred Donna was feeling- he could tell it ran deeper than Jenna. Ray honestly felt she was blaming him for the death of the baby. And if that was the case then they would never have a future. All she would see when she looked at him was the man that killed their son, not the man who gave her her son.

He couldn’t take it any more. He ran to her and grabbed her and picked her off the ground, picking her up and rolling her in circles.

“Let me down Ray Krebbs!”

“Not until you hear me out. I love you Donna and I’m still your husband. I don’t care how mad you are at me and maybe you got the right. But I got the right to keep loving you and I want to help you. But you ain’t making this easy on me. We can’t go on like this, you pushing me away like this. All I want to do is love you and you treat me like I killed our son. Well he was my boy, I had plans for him. I named him after my cousin who I loved like my own. I also named him after my father who I miss every day of my life. I got all these feelings I can’t make heads or tails of. I need you to help me. I can’t do it alone. I’m drowning, Donna, and I don’t know how far low I can go.” Ray let the tears flow from his eyes. He hated telling her how he was feeling because he knew what she was going through, but maybe if she knew she might snap out of it.

“Honey….I’m sorry. I know I haven’t been there for you. I don’t know how. I’m going to have to figure it out. Ray…we’re going to have a baby.”

Ray sat her down and looked at her in disbelief.

[jessie]

Love this story Melinda, awesome writing. Jessie

[Sanda]

MelindaJo, I LOVE this Donna and Ray story soo much. Please update soon.